{This is a Feel Good Post}
I remember the days in my ambitious twenties making my lists of new year’s goals.
In my Type A ways I could not even bother with resolutions; they felt too passive and too like everyone else.
Goals. that’s where it was at for me. Achieving. Moving towards greatness. Proving the whole world wrong, or right; I can’t remember anymore. I cannot even remember if I knew what could really make me happy.
I grew up in Venezuela under the strict supervision of an Indian father who groomed me to (yes, laugh, totally 100% clique) to be doctor, but I put my foot down and became a molecular biologist (yeah, a real rebel).
Feeling not an ounce of passion for the profession, and pretending I could force myself through graduate school was but a laughable feat. One class into my masters, bored to tears, I had to stop the charades and face the fact that science was not for me, at least not in that academic way.
It never really occurred to me that I could choose something that was different than what was expected of me, and I was completely left dumb founded by the choice of a new career.
So, I went towards my curiosity, never intending it to be my career, but merely a pit stop for answers from beyond.
I read spiritual books, went to meditation classes, practiced yoga, and began to deconstruct the masks I had been wearing and uncover the real person that laid beneath. Trying to get to know myself felt like as if I was scavenging for a treasure that almost didn’t want to be found; as if the answers evaded me, and yet I relentlessly pursued her, like a long lost lover in search of his soul mate.
Somehow parts of me did not feel safe being uncovered. My impatience scared her, and maybe even made her run the other way.
I had no choice but to soften.
Eventually my goals became intentions, and my seeking for answers became more like asking myself questions. Slowly getting to know myself. Not the self that wanted to be liked by others, but the self that enjoyed the little things in life.
Today, I keep my new year intentions meaningful, and make them a part of a bigger story that is my life. The end of each year is a moment of pause, reflection, and a fine-tunning of what would work for me more. The new year is an opportunity to give into my authenticity in a more profound way.
There are still parts of me that are intense and goal oriented, she keeps me moving forward rather than in circles, and keeps me beautifully accountable to what I want to contribute to the world.
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