{This is a Feel Good Post}
I am not the get down on my knees and pray kind of girl. Nor a howl at the full moon kind of woman. Maybe somewhere in between. But one thing I know for sure, I did not marry him by the Grace of God.
It was a miracle really that I did not end up with my West Point graduate high school sweetheart. And did I mention that his religious beliefs condemned my every bone? He loved to love me, and needed to shame me to move as far away from me as possible.
It happens I suppose. When a man’s heart fights his mind, or when their mind contradicts their heart. Some men feel they have to shame us.
In their moment of ignorance we are blamed for causing the passion to flow, as if we are responsible for the trigger of their hormone cascade and the lust in their groin.
Give me a break.
If we are impressionable at the time. Which, I will admit I was. The hurt they cause us, can dig deep. Sometimes it has less to do with a broken heart, and more to do with a broken trust.
And hardly ever do we get closure once the sting is gone. Making sense or peace with the past feels like a lost cause. We play out the memories as we put our friendship & heart on the line for another’s offering.
Our heart breaks one more time, perhaps.
Yet, we pick up the pieces, and put our heart forward on the front line of love. Because something in us believes it is possible to love and be loved.
I’m a feminist. 100%. I do not believe we need a man (or any rendition of partnership) to be happy or to be alive. But when we allow ourselves to be loved by another, there is no doubt biochemical reactions take over.
Our biology longs for this, but more importantly, I sense of being a soul having a human experience nudges us to explore the edges of true partnership.
To be loved can feel odd. Maybe even takes time to get used to. I am deeply loved today. Some days I don’t get why. Some days I put my arms out to embrace and some days to create distance.
In my heart I know that allowing to be loved, opens my sense of love for myself even more. My sense of modeling love for my fellow human beings. My sense of duty to the world takes over my heart really, and sometimes I do things that help me because I know it will serve others. And that’s ok, I suppose. Why not, right? Sometimes we need that.
I do know that it was indeed by the grace of something beyond me that I did not end up with any of the men who crossed my path. Nothing wrong per say with any of them, but in owning who I am, I now know how important it was for me to have space to explore my edgy spiritual ways. A rigid man or a lost boy could never support this journey I have been on.
And so I thank my lucky stars that someone loves me deeply. At least most days.
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